to start, I should once more say that my utmost desire is to get to Tokyo performance of 'Edward VIII / Misty Station'. oh, stop... is it?
pitying myself, crying almost aloud while listening to heartbreaking songs, tearing apart my pillow and biting my lower lip - that is all that I managed to do during this month
what makes my sorrow even more bitter is the fact that I realize the current state of the situation, and still do nothing. my inner self is obviously hoping that I finally give up and do without what I feel I want more than anything in my life. this sentence itself sounds odd, does it not? oh yes, I am odd to the extent I am surprised at myself. my other side goes on whispering me I should be content with what I have already seen, as many overseas fans have never watched even a single performance in Japan themselves, and I have seen two. this side also adds that I have really made everything I could and this world does not exist to grant our wishes every time we state them. however, no matter how much those thoughts try to creep into my mind, I shall never believe that side and my consciousness will never acknowledge them, letting me lie to myself
what is true is that without a single attempt to find something currently beyond my reach I was killing time every day while I should be striving to do just something. all that I could was to ask two people to do a favour for me, almost sure they would do this, though they obviously owe nothing to me. oh, I even tried to get a low-payed job twice, it was very brave of me, eh? BTW, both proved to be an epic fail
oh, and there is another fact that makes me even more pathetic. the fact that I do realize that I have no right to complain about all this according to the genereal logic, common sense, society expectations and - the most important - my personal convictions
in the end, I should make the only possible conclusion - if I am this uncapable of doing anything, it means, I am not that willing to go there. if I were, I would have already provided myself with a hundred of chances and opportunities. therefore, I need not cry this much, I need not listen to those sad songs, I need not hug myself in hysteria and dream that I am the most unhappy person in the world
I need not do all this. and what I do is feel as if I wanted to disappear, vanish, fade away. I have experienced many kinds of depression, including sadness, despair, tire, the state when nothing makes you look into the fiture with hope and smile... and now it is all wrong, I am alive, I have appetite, I watch films and read book, I sleep and get up, I think of what I should present my friends on their birthdays and how to pack their presents, I read articles about politics and funny quotations, I check recent photos and news of the world around me as if I were concerned and involved, and everything seems usual and normal. but then I go to bed in the evening and I feel that I want to disappear right now, right here, which is completely not the same as wanting to die, or feeling sad, or unsatisfied, or depressed. 'tis not when you want some bad event not to happen, or something unpleasant to finish, 'tis not when you ask for strength or patience to go through an ordeal of which you are already tired, 'tis not when you want to reconceal with somebody, nor that you wait for someone to come and comfort you. 'tis even not that you want nothing and feel empty. that emptiness is endurable and completely curable, it only needs some inspiration and some refreshment in your life
and what I feel is a complete hopelessness and horror, because unlike the previous cases you do not know what to do at all... and thus you became unable not only to feel happy or at least comfortable, but to choose anything at all - life or death, cry or laugh, give up or go on
perhaps, this is called どうにもならない
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