my blog as a place to express my thoughts

have you ever experienced such a feeling? 'tis when your hands tremble and thou cannot breathe normally. 'tis when you hve something very important to learn and art too afraid to finally learn it. you might even decide to make thyself suffer a little longer in this blissful ignorance, because you do not have enough courage to learn the truth, as you know that until you learn it, there might be different variants, at least two of them, at least there might be both 'yes' and 'no', but as soon as you decide to read/hear/understand what hath been chosen by your destiny, what is left is only one of those variants

I was never the superstitious kind and I never believed something may change if I decide to learn the truth now or later. I was always quite firm to determine what hath happened right at the moment I understand I can do this. that is why for the first time in my life I feel so awkward

one of my fellows cited some famous person saying 'when you cannot decide, toss a coin. not because it will decide for you , but because while 'tis in the air, you already know which side you are hoping for'. the problem was, I did not have enough time to decide myself, which variant I prefer. I decided to hope for one of them the last moment before reading the reply on my pray, and of course, the reply was negative. it happens every time I do this, every time I create my own attitude the last moment. and 'tis no miracle or coincidence

when I have more time to decide myself, I do not only decide what I prefer, I also try to envisage the further developments in case I get what I want, but I also imagine what could happen in case I do not. so, finally I am ready to receive any of the results. in case I have no time and decide for myself the last moment before I get to learn the truth, I am totally not prepared to receive the opposite to what I hope for. that is why it hurts so much...

at least, I have a consolation. at least, there is a kind of 'certaincy' in the negative replies I get. this seems to be a little better than not knowing at all...