'Sailor Moon Crystal' ~ haters gonna hate, and I am one of those haters

- have you seen the Sailor Moon first episode?

- the very first one? I'm afraid no, I always started watching from the middle of the series

- no, the new one

- oh, is it already out?

- yes it is! so you haven't?

- I haven't

- and you better not 

Actually I wasn't going to watch that at all. I was already sure that I wouldn't like it at all - the new version of what, in my mind, should be remade extremely carefully or should not be touched at all. But my friend phoned me and after telling me some most important news about her everyday life her next question was the one above.

And I could not sit still. I knew I didn't give a damn about it, I knew I better keep cherishing my memories of the series I was watching numerous times in my childhood, but I realised I could not miss what everyone will for sure discuss on every corner.

And so I embarked on watching the first episode of the remade 'Sailor Moon'. And I probably decided on my next avatar

graphics

Instead of starting my 'review', if I may call it a review, with the usual paragraph about story and characters, I start it with graphics. Why? That's what spoils half the fun, that's why.
On one hand, I see beautiful watercolour backgrounds and static images.

On the other hand is everything else.

If people say that the old BSSM series were faraway from the manga thin, elegant, sophisticated lines, I acknowledge that. Now they're trying to keep those features in the anime.
And occasionally they succeed.

But what looks good in manga does not necessarily look as good in an anime.

Mostly the animators end up making it look like a second-quality hentai shoujo. Moreover, it is supposed to take place in early 90s, remember?
I'm not mistaken. Those gradual shadows, frames created in no more than 5 minutes - probably by young inexperienced animators who tried to draw the contours holding brushes with their toes and those bold lines that look like my scribble when I am browsing my brushes in Corel Painter, silly-looking faces that were made so inadvertently, that absolutely unnecessary 3D... that's so cheap.

Tell me, is this supposed to look cool?

Now this is cool

music

Instead of putting 'story' somewhere at least on the second place, here comes music. Being a person who puts audio signals before everything else, the one thing I cannot forgive at all is that opening theme.

Revo proves once again that he only writes pseudo-gothic-rock-songs with guitar riffs - maybe he was having a hard day and the deadline was already pressing, even though I know he's capable of much more.

My friend says the background music was composed by a person whose music she knows and who creates beautiful melodies which don't suit the scenes they're put in. Maybe.
Momoiro Clover are as always cute and... and... is there any other word to describe them? It's ok when such songs are used in some TV dramas with popular actors, but I was pretty sure we have a different case here with Sailor moon.
Is this a shoujo anime main theme?

No, this is a shoujo anime main theme

voice acting

Instead of putting 'story' somewhere at least on the third place, I am judging on voice acting first. That's what pisses me off, again.
Mitsuishi's voice sounds like a not-very-young actress is trying to produce something cute out of her throat. The only moment that makes her voice recognizable is when she shouts her usual 'Moon Prism Power' or 'tsuki ni kawatte'. Hirohashi isn't as good as I expected her to be. Nojima is awful. Even more awful is Ya... ma... shi... Yamashita... Dai... Daisuke, right? I don't know him.

story
<insert text here>

conclusion
Any of the shortcomings I've listed could be forgiven if something else was great enough. However, in the new Sailor Moon there is nothing to enjoy, nothing special.
You know, on 'myanimelist' people can write recommendations, describing anime that someone may like if he/she watched this or that anime. The only recommendation for 'Sailor Moon Crystal' so far is 'Kill la Kill'. And there is a comprehensive reason for that:

both series features girls that are the main fighters and shows awesome transformation scenes

Is this a mahou-shoujo anime series with fascinating henshin, showing young ladies examples of true friendship and love overcoming all obstacles?

Now this is a mahou-shoujo anime series with fascinating henshin, showing young ladies examples of true friendship and love overcoming all obstacles
http://www.google.com/search?hl=&q=bishoujo+senshi+sailor+moon